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Song of the Day

So I was talking to my best friend about having a full brain. It’s sort of my brand of crazy. There’s so much in there that things just spill out, more specifically, songs. Every day I have some weird song stuck in my head and I don’t know why my brain picks these songs.

We talked about it a bit and it turns out she has the same problem. We both said at the same time that we should try and keep track of these things. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something.

Yesterday the song was “High Hopes”. Specifically the song from the 50’s, not the more recent one. I didn’t even realize there was a more recent one until I was talking to my daughter and she told me. It’s by Panic! at the Disco. She even sang a bit for me and I was like ohhhh yeah. That ones better. I got the one that I remember from Laverne & Shirley.

Until today. Today’s song was Panic! at the Disco’s song. They’re totally different, it’s not a cover. This song is better but it’s not very original for my brain to pick that one. I still don’t understand why I get these random songs. I don’t even like a lot of them. Sometimes they’re just jingles from commercials. Anyway, I’m going to try to keep track of the song of the day here.

Brains are weird.

Song of the Day 9.29

Today’s song is by one of my favorites, although what does it say about how I’m feeling?

I actually love this song, and the band. It’s ‘Weak and Powerless’, by A Perfect Circle (in case that doesn’t show up in the you tube box there).

I wanted to hear ‘Schism’ by Tool, but I guess this will do. My experiment to see if I could think of a song and have it play in my head seems like it doesn’t work. The experiment worked, just the results were not what I had hoped for. Although if I can make my internal DJ play what I want it’s not really the same, is it? I can actually get him to play things I want to hear but it doesn’t last, and the song he chose always comes back. There have been times where I’ve heard the same song for days, but that doesn’t happen very often.

This whole blog thing is actually an experiment. I created this page over a year ago so I could vent about how characters kind of try to take over the story and do stuff you don’t want or anticipate. I was very excited. I even paid extra to get someone to zoom with for instructions on how to work this site. Then I didn’t do anything. I mean, for a long time. I still wrote and still got mad at characters but I didn’t vent. I’m trying to work up to it.

Does that happen to all writers? Do all of us struggle with unruly characters and get lost staring at a blank screen trying to remember that perfect thought we had 10 minutes ago when we were in the car? I tend to write in my head a lot, there’s great dialog in there and some pretty intense scenes. Then I get to the computer and stare at it. They never say what they said before either. I struggle to remember that perfect turn of a phrase they used, or how to describe the look on their faces. I turn to my daughter a lot and say how do I describe ___ and make a face at her. Sometimes the faces I get back from her are priceless and I think, oh yeah, one of these characters is gonna use that….if I can figure out how to write it down.

So I decided to do this instead because somehow it’s less personal. I am not used to putting myself out there and this seemed like an easy baby step. I think a lot of people have music in their head, so it’s relatable. Or at least, maybe it’s entertaining. Maybe the musical choices of my inner DJ say something about me, but I’m not sure. He seems to have crap taste in music a lot of the time, but not today.

Song of the day 9.28

Yesterday’s post was dated wrong….oops.

Todays song is annoying as hell. It’s called ‘Old Town Road’, by Billy Ray Cyrus and Little Nas X. I probably spelled one of them wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s my own damn fault and that’s what makes it so aggravating. I asked my daughter if Little Nas X was any good. I had never heard anything by him but I see him all the time. The dude is everywhere. So she was kind enough to pull up the song on YouTube for me. I won’t punish you all that way.

It’s actually hard to tell what kind of a rapper he is. And I’m not a big fan of rap but there has been the occasional tune that was entertaining. I do know that I absolutely do NOT care for Billy Ray Cyrus so that wasn’t a shocker.

Just imagine, if there had been no fluke achey breaky heart there would be no Miley. What a lovely thought.

Song of the Day 9.26

The DJ in my head is an asshole. That’s how I know it’s a guy. He never listens. I mean, I know not all guys are assholes, but a lot of guys I know are assholes. So there you have it.

Yesterday I didn’t blog because I was irritated. Today the DJ didn’t change the tune, but added a couple. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted this song out of my head and something better as a replacement. I guess it’s not gonna happen until I write. I write all the time, but sometimes it’s in my head, which isn’t all that helpful because a) nothing is on the page and b) I feel like I’ve already said all this…

The song of the day is ‘Empty Chairs’ by frickin Don McLean. I don’t think it’s fair to have an artist repeat the next day. Especially an artist I have issues with. But here we go.

Empty Chairs is a pretty song, and it’s theoretically sad. Mr. McLean has a really lovely voice, but it doesn’t go with his actions so I have some issues. I don’t want to give my energy to someone like him. This song is also a stupid song and it illustrates a lot of what’s wrong with a lot of men. They don’t listen. Take the chorus for example: I wonder if you know….that I never understood….that although you said you’d go….I never thought you would.

Why? That’s my primary question for this chorus. Did you think she was too stupid to know her own mind or how she felt? Did you just dismiss what she said as background noise and grunt at her so she’d shut up about it? Maybe you thought you knew better?

There’s also this verse: Never thought the words you said were true….Never thought you said just what you meant….Never knew how much I needed you….Never thought you’d go, until you went. I mean, isn’t that just typical for this type of guy? What, she’s telling you she’s unhappy enough to leave you but you just blow it off thinking maybe she’s just messin with you? How stupid is that?

This song annoys the crap out of me. Mostly because when I was very young I thought it was such a sad and beautiful love song and it sucks when your memories are tarnished by people you admire turning out to be creepy assholes.

Another song that my DJ has been playing on repeat is ‘Shape of a Heart’, by Jackson Browne. Another person I admired as a kid who turned out to be a creepy asshole. He got away with it for a long time until the girlfriend he decided to beat also happened to be famous. How come we don’t listen to regular people? Why do they have to be famous to get our attention, or why does there have to be so many of them. Sometimes it just has to be horrifying I guess. This particular song talks about his girlfriends necklace and also about the home where they lived having holes in the wall from throwing things or punching the wall. At the end of the song, after he knows she’s really gone, he takes her necklace and puts it down one of the holes in the wall. It’s disgusting. Domestic violence is so insidious and so prevalent in our society. I mean, fabulously wealthy famous guys sing about it like it’s nothing.

Eventually my DJ relented and now I’m hearing “Some kinda Wonderful,” by Grand Funk Railroad. I’m afraid to find out if any of those guys were of the common asshole variety.

Song of the day 9.25

I think it’s called ‘Vincent’. Regardless it’s by Don McLean. You know the song….Starry starry night….paint your palette blue and grey….look out on a summers day….with eyes that know the darkness in my soul…

It’s a beautiful song. Sad but beautiful. It sort of took me by surprise today. I was ‘listening’ to it play in my head and sorta singing along when I realize oh yeah, blog.

I loved that song when I was younger. My brother had the album and I used to listen to it over and over when I babysat for him. It’s a nice memory.

That singer sure turned out to be not so great though. I’m always sad when I find out those things. People who’s art touches you so deeply and they turn out to be not so great. Jackson Browne is another one.

I always wonder why. I mean, we’ve all got demons we fight against. Why do some people turn violent? I guess I’ve had some violent moments myself, but they were because I felt provoked. Maybe that’s how it works for everyone. But I’ve never beaten the crap out of my girlfriend. Or my kids. I did get in a slap fight with an old boyfriend once, but he was about three times my size. I guess that doesn’t excuse it though.

My violence was always usually turned against myself or an inanimate object. I threw a log into a wall once, threw a few phones and screamed at eggs that stuck to the pan. I’ve had moments where I could almost understand how people took their anger out on someone else, but for the most part I stopped. I didn’t beat the kid, or the dog. That one boyfriend is the only person I’ve actually tried to beat up and I don’t apologize for it or feel guilty about it. I’m a little ashamed that I lost my temper that thoroughly, but he was an asshole and did worse to me several times, so whatever. It does offer some insight into how people lose it though.

I haven’t gotten that angry where I feel like I’m going to explode for years. It’s nicer to not feel that way. We all need to remember to surround ourselves with people who are on our side. I’m pretty much done with aggressive assholes who try to tell me what to do or how to think. I don’t mind people who disagree with me. That’s fine. We’re all entitled to our own opinions, but no one is entitled to force their opinions on anyone. That’s just not ok.

Anyway, we’re all tortured souls in some way. And you never know what another person is going through. Just don’t be an asshole.

Song of the day 9.24

Todays song is ‘Happier’ by Bastille. ‘If only for a minute, I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier’ 🎶. That seems like a cool song. I don’t know if it gets dark at all because this is the only part that’s playing in my head, but you can never tell with Bastille.

I like Bastille. I first heard them because of my daughter. After that they were all over the radio with that song Pompeii.

I’ve been exposed to all kinds of music by my kids and a lot of it is really good. Bastille, Snow Patrol, Eminem, Something Corporate, Brand New, Cobra Starship, Arctic Monkeys, The 1975, Marianas Trench, Olly Murs, Panic! At the Disco, Hozier. There’s more but that’s a beginning.

I don’t really listen to the radio because I hate the commercials and half the music so it’s really helpful to have kids playing music that is awesome. I love music. It’s soothing and fun and can make you happy, or sad, or curious, or scared. it’s just the best.

Song of the day 9.23

‘Nothing from nothing’ by Billy Preston is todays song. At least I think that’s what it’s called 🤔. That’s what he says over and over anyway.

I don’t care about this song either way. Never really liked it, never hated it. It’s just there. I guess that means, understandably, I got nothin.

I’m sorta feeling like a failure here with these songs. Maybe that’s the point of this one? They don’t really mean anything they’re just random snippets of tunes in my head.

I’ll have to think of something else to write trivial things about I guess. If my brain is trying to tell me something it’s not doing a very good job, or I’m not clever enough to figure it out.

Song of the day 9.22

I’ve spent the last few days sort of in a fog with no real music, just an annoying snippet droning over and over that I tried to ignore. But this morning I woke up hearing the Beatles birthday song 🤷🏻‍♀️. That morphed into ‘At Last’ by Etta James. I actually like but don’t know that song. Only the very first line, so I went over to Amazon music and listened to it. It’s pretty lovely.

That gives me hope that things are moving along and I’m gonna be ok. I mean, I know I’m gonna be ok but things have been in a sort of grey haze since Saturday, when my wonderful little Maltese died.

And now I’m crying again dammit.

I say my, but I really mean our. He was my daughters dog but she let me share him. He was almost 16 so he lived a long happy life and we enjoyed his company immensely. He was funny and cute and so very sweet. And it’s amazing what a huge empty space was left by a little 6 lb. ball of fluff. Sort of boggles the mind.

We recently got a huge overgrown puppy who I wanted to turn into a service dog but can’t afford to do it. She’s sweet and a good distraction. She misses him too though, and looks hopefully when we come walking into the room. We carried him around after we got her because we were afraid she might accidentally hurt him. She never did, but she liked to boop him with her nose a lot.

Anyway, there’s real music in my head again and it’s actually a relief. I miss the little guy a lot but I’m so very thankful we had him as long as we did. Now I just gotta figure out where to find another one that’s not a scam 🤔

Song of the day 9.18

Today’s song is ridiculous and I wish I could make it stop. I’m being harassed by the 60’s, and not even the good bits!

“Henry the VIII” by Herman’s Hermits. His song should be illegal, just like ‘The song that never ends.’ What were they thinking? I guess that they needed a catchy tune that would get stuck in peoples heads.

Mission accomplished guys.

Song of the day 9.17

Today’s installment is “Daddy’s Tune” by Jackson Browne. It’s another song I like so I feel like I’m on a roll here. I also think I know why it would pop up.

My dads birthday is coming up. He’d be 96 soon if he was still here. My thoughts drift towards him more and more as his birthday approaches. I think that’s normal. He was an excellent man and I miss him very much.

That may seem weird since I just said yesterday that I grew up with an alcoholic father and talked a bit about how that felt. It was horrible really and I’m glad to be far away from that point in my life. I’m also glad that my dad got sober.

He was actually sober most of my life and we developed a wonderful relationship that I am very thankful for. He was a wonderful grandpa too.

For a long time it was hard to reconcile the two aspects of my father. So I didn’t. I had the nasty guy I grew up with and the wonderful man who was my father when I was an adult. At some point though, those two men merged in my mind and I could see him for the man he was. A good man who had demons to fight. And he won! It fills me with joy and hope, even now, after he’s gone. And sometimes, when I’m lucky, I smell his aftershave and I smile and whisper ‘hi dad.’ ❤️

Song of the Day 9.16

Today’s song comes from the darkness. It’s “Snuff”, from Slip Knot’s album “All Hope is Gone.”

Yeah, this is one of my favorite songs that I found at a time that all hope actually was gone. You know how sometimes you find a theme song for however it is you’re feeling at the time? This was my theme song for a long time. I still love it, but it throws me right back into the dark.

It’s amazing how music can do that. Throw you back in time. There’s a certain Kansas song that transports me back to high school and I can see and feel everything that happened that night. I was at their concert and it didn’t go exactly how we’d planned, but we all survived and everything is good. It makes me nervous when I hear the song though. Just like Snuff makes me sad and gloomy and feeling like nothing is ever going to be better. But it’s been long enough that now I know things improve and hope can be reborn. I think I know why this song showed up too.

I was trying to watch the movie “Beautiful Boy.” I couldn’t do it though because I have one of those…a beautiful child lost in addiction. I read the book and I felt like sure this guy can do all this stuff because he’s got the money, but what about the rest of us? I felt for the father in that book because I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle with demons. I don’t know what happened to the kid in that movie. I think there was a second book, but if I remember correctly in the first one he was still addicted. I guess one is always addicted though, just living in recovery if not using.

Addiction runs in my family, I grew up with an alcoholic father. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. Maybe harder? If your parent is an addict you become whatever you need to in order to survive. I have siblings who played different roles. One was super out going and always doing things, one ended up worse than my father. I disappeared. I made myself as small as possible so no one would notice and I tried to be perfect so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I can remember that feeling of dread when I realized my partner was an alcoholic and how I reverted into the roles from my childhood. But when it’s your child you can’t disappear. You still feel like it though and it still throws you back to who you were when you were little.

That’s where Snuff comes from. That song was the song I clung to when I gave my partner an ultimatum. He chose alcohol and drugs. I was devastated. I felt like I had lost everything. I felt like all hope was gone.

“Snuff”
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again…

So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can’t destroy what isn’t there.
Deliver me into my fate –
If I’m alone I cannot hate
I don’t deserve to have you…

My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn’t face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn’t hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren’t my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint…

Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won’t listen to your shame
You ran away – you’re all the same
Angels lie to keep control…

Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care, don’t ever let me know
If you still care, don’t ever let me know…