Today’s installment is “Daddy’s Tune” by Jackson Browne. It’s another song I like so I feel like I’m on a roll here. I also think I know why it would pop up.
My dads birthday is coming up. He’d be 96 soon if he was still here. My thoughts drift towards him more and more as his birthday approaches. I think that’s normal. He was an excellent man and I miss him very much.
That may seem weird since I just said yesterday that I grew up with an alcoholic father and talked a bit about how that felt. It was horrible really and I’m glad to be far away from that point in my life. I’m also glad that my dad got sober.
He was actually sober most of my life and we developed a wonderful relationship that I am very thankful for. He was a wonderful grandpa too.
For a long time it was hard to reconcile the two aspects of my father. So I didn’t. I had the nasty guy I grew up with and the wonderful man who was my father when I was an adult. At some point though, those two men merged in my mind and I could see him for the man he was. A good man who had demons to fight. And he won! It fills me with joy and hope, even now, after he’s gone. And sometimes, when I’m lucky, I smell his aftershave and I smile and whisper ‘hi dad.’ ❤️
Today’s song comes from the darkness. It’s “Snuff”, from Slip Knot’s album “All Hope is Gone.”
Yeah, this is one of my favorite songs that I found at a time that all hope actually was gone. You know how sometimes you find a theme song for however it is you’re feeling at the time? This was my theme song for a long time. I still love it, but it throws me right back into the dark.
It’s amazing how music can do that. Throw you back in time. There’s a certain Kansas song that transports me back to high school and I can see and feel everything that happened that night. I was at their concert and it didn’t go exactly how we’d planned, but we all survived and everything is good. It makes me nervous when I hear the song though. Just like Snuff makes me sad and gloomy and feeling like nothing is ever going to be better. But it’s been long enough that now I know things improve and hope can be reborn. I think I know why this song showed up too.
I was trying to watch the movie “Beautiful Boy.” I couldn’t do it though because I have one of those…a beautiful child lost in addiction. I read the book and I felt like sure this guy can do all this stuff because he’s got the money, but what about the rest of us? I felt for the father in that book because I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle with demons. I don’t know what happened to the kid in that movie. I think there was a second book, but if I remember correctly in the first one he was still addicted. I guess one is always addicted though, just living in recovery if not using.
Addiction runs in my family, I grew up with an alcoholic father. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. Maybe harder? If your parent is an addict you become whatever you need to in order to survive. I have siblings who played different roles. One was super out going and always doing things, one ended up worse than my father. I disappeared. I made myself as small as possible so no one would notice and I tried to be perfect so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I can remember that feeling of dread when I realized my partner was an alcoholic and how I reverted into the roles from my childhood. But when it’s your child you can’t disappear. You still feel like it though and it still throws you back to who you were when you were little.
That’s where Snuff comes from. That song was the song I clung to when I gave my partner an ultimatum. He chose alcohol and drugs. I was devastated. I felt like I had lost everything. I felt like all hope was gone.
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again…
So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can’t destroy what isn’t there.
Deliver me into my fate –
If I’m alone I cannot hate
I don’t deserve to have you…
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn’t face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn’t hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren’t my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint…
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won’t listen to your shame
You ran away – you’re all the same
Angels lie to keep control…
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care, don’t ever let me know
If you still care, don’t ever let me know…
Today’s tune is ‘You Ought To Know’ by Alanis Morrisette. I’m not seeing a connection with any of these. The first couple days were more of a c’mon you can do it type thing. The last two were more in the romance category. Maybe my brain wants a boyfriend? That doesn’t seem a great idea considering today’s installment.
I did mention to my therapist a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t be opposed to meeting someone. I’ve been single a long time. But it just seems like such a slog to get back out there. For one thing we’re still in the middle of a pandemic so just, no. Also, I’m disabled. While that doesn’t disqualify me from romantic entanglements it does make the whole thing a lot more complicated. It makes everything a lot more complicated 🤔
The best thing I can say about songs in my head is that they’ve somehow gotten me writing again, which was supposed to be the whole point of this blog.
Wedding Bell Blues. I even know why… sort of. I heard some music on a commercial and that got stuck in my head for awhile. It wasn’t random though so I didn’t really count it, but it was annoying enough for me to figure out where I’d heard it before and it was some song that I thought was by the 5th Dimension. Not that I’ve ever really listened to them, but there you have it. Later Wedding Bell Blues started playing in my head and driving me up the wall. I never liked the song. It’s not my kind of music, which is another thing that bugs me about this song in my head thing. Usually it’s not even a song I like. Why can’t I be serenaded by music I enjoy? What’s wrong with my brain?
I tried to change the song to Tom Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More.” I’m not really wild about that song either but it would be more fitting. I found out yesterday that one of my family members is not vaccinated for Covid-19 and now has it. They brought it home to their family, who were vaccinated. Oddly enough I feel anger instead of concern. I feel a little guilty about that. But they were going to come out here last month to visit my mom on her 90th birthday. Seriously. What a complete asshole thing to do. Look, if you wanna think science isn’t real and you want to be an idiot and not take care of yourself fine, but when your actions put others in danger there’s no excuse and you’re just an asshole. It’s weird how people change. Kind of makes me sad.
So I was talking to my best friend about having a full brain. It’s sort of my brand of crazy. There’s so much in there that things just spill out, more specifically, songs. Every day I have some weird song stuck in my head and I don’t know why my brain picks these songs.
We talked about it a bit and it turns out she has the same problem. We both said at the same time that we should try and keep track of these things. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something.
Yesterday the song was “High Hopes”. Specifically the song from the 50’s, not the more recent one. I didn’t even realize there was a more recent one until I was talking to my daughter and she told me. It’s by Panic! at the Disco. She even sang a bit for me and I was like ohhhh yeah. That ones better. I got the one that I remember from Laverne & Shirley.
Until today. Today’s song was Panic! at the Disco’s song. They’re totally different, it’s not a cover. This song is better but it’s not very original for my brain to pick that one. I still don’t understand why I get these random songs. I don’t even like a lot of them. Sometimes they’re just jingles from commercials. Anyway, I’m going to try to keep track of the song of the day here.
Brains are weird.
I can’t even believe all the shit that’s going on these days. It’s just insane!! I sure hope everyone remembers to vote in November.
I live with my daughter and granddaughter. It’s nice mostly. But things have been weird. I’m sure everyone knows that. It’s hard on all of us. The little ones have had their schedules totally disrupted, and that makes them a little crazy. It’s amazing how much better children cope with things when they have a normal schedule. Schools closed and that just sorta wreaked havoc on them. It’s nice to stay home with mom and gramma, but it makes the little one cranky too. No friends, no fun pre-school, and no one to really play with. I mean, we play with her….alot. But it’s not the same as having your friends. I feel for her. I’ve had some people say they’re too young to notice (she’s 5). It’s not true. They notice. Even if they don’t know what they’re responding to, they notice.
Plus, it makes the adults in the room and little spazzy. I mean, c’mon. It’s stressful to not know if going to get groceries is going to get you sick and lead to your death. That’s a lot of pressure. Even if it doesn’t get you sick, it’s weird. The city was so quiet, and the traffic so sparse. Now that June has hit there’s traffic everywhere and it seems crazy. Are they sure it’s safe? I think it’s probably too soon myself.
Being stuck in the house and not seeing people beyond who lives here doesn’t really bother me. I’m not one of those people who can’t stand it if I can’t go out and see folks, or eat in a restaurant, or get my hair done. I’m perfectly content to sit in my house all the time. There are plenty of things to do here. I’m not afraid of my own company, and when the company of my housemates gets to be too much I do have a door on my room. It’s not a hardship.
But it’s still scary, and it’s still different. The all night drive thru’s are closed. I’ve always been a night owl, and going out for a taco at 2am is never a bad thing is it? Except now it’s impossible. Not a big loss in the scheme of things, just an example of how it’s different now even if I don’t mind staying home. My computer died. That was not good. I do a lot on my computer, so I had to get a new one. That was harder than it sounds. The store had none. No computers less than $1,000. It was a trip. I had to order one online and wait a week to get it. Tough but manageable. Then we tried to get a bike so my daughter could ride with her daughter. No one has bikes either! It’s crazy.